寫作原文
    As is subtly portrayed in the drawing, the picture on the left illustrates a young boy wrote(改為writing或者with) a famous football player'(加s,即player’s) name,(去掉)——Beckham ,(去掉) on his face, (句子較復(fù)雜，可改為a young boy has the word “Beckham ”,the name of a famous football player, written on his face) and the other picture on the right illustrates a young man who wants to have a hair style of Beckham and spends on 300RMB(改為which needs 300RMB). These pictures illustrate(加 that)the worship of star(改為the stars，或把整體改為idol-worshipping) is popular in the modern society.There are some factors contribute(改為contributing) to this phenomenon. The first factor(加is) that the ideology of young individuals in modern society is not independence(改為independent, independence是名詞) . They do not know that(去掉) what is worth to hold (改為what to hold)and what is(去掉) they really want or need. The second factor(加is) that the atmosphere of the modern society is not verybenefit(改為beneficial，benefit是動(dòng)詞) to the development of young folks. With the dissemination of TVs, magazines,(去掉) and so forth, the environment of worship of star(改為idol-worshipping) is increasing popularity(改為becoming increasingly popular). So it can influence young person(加s) always and everywhere.In my point of view, the preference of individual, there is no one right or wrong choice(句式混亂，改為there’s no right or wrong regards to individuals’ preference). Because various folks take different attitudes toward(改為towards) the phenomenon of worship, many may be (去掉)like while other(改為others) may not. But I deem, as college students, we should put our vigour on the (去掉)learning rather than pursuing star(改為stars).
    總體點(diǎn)評(píng)
    文章存在很多語法上的問題，尤其是比較細(xì)致的問題，還有標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)運(yùn)用有誤，作者在完成習(xí)作后應(yīng)認(rèn)真檢查，避免不必要的錯(cuò)誤。此外，詞匯量少，比如在第一段一直重復(fù)illustrate這個(gè)單詞，平時(shí)可以多積累一些詞匯，在運(yùn)用的時(shí)候注意變換。句型也相對(duì)較為單一，多總結(jié)模仿經(jīng)典句型，提高自己的寫作水平，為自己的習(xí)作增彩。作者可以從大量熟讀經(jīng)典范文入手，積累知識(shí)，自己勤于練習(xí)。加油吧，祝你考研成功!
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